My "Enneagram story"

From day one, nothing has been straightforward in my life. As far as I can remember, I never had a solid ground under my feet and felt more like a little boat lost on a wild sea. Today, I can explain my wild sea with the presence of this insidious idea in all my cells: «love doesn’t exist. It is not true, nor possible». 

 

If love doesn’t exist, where can light be found in this life? This search has filled nearly 40 years of my life. I must say it has also fueled my passion for life.

 

I eventually found the Light and today I also know that Love not only exists but is the only thing real. You might ask “how are you so sure you found it?” The answer is easy: 

“It has completely changed my life».

 

This Light is today my most precious pearl...

 

From my experience, I can recommend two interconnected ways to get there. If you start by either one or the other, the first one will lead you - if you are honest in your search - inevitably to the other.

 

One way is the spiritual quest and finding an answer to the questions “Does God exist? - Who is God?”

 

The other Way is the psychological path and finding an answer to the question      “Who am I?”

 

Father Alan Fudge, to whom I dedicate this work, reminded us in a newsletter, three months before he died (April 2012), that the question “Who am I” is more important than the question “Who is God”.

 

 Sixteen centuries earlier, the great Saint Augustine had said exactly the same :

 

"If I knew myself, I would know You"

 

The thing is that the idea of embarking on a journey towards self-knowledge rarely occurs in anyone’s mind: we sincerely believe that we are as we are, and that there is not much to do about it, except praying for forgiveness.

 

In my case, completely blind to myself, I started my journey by the spiritual quest (I was 23), thanks to an Indian Catholic priest I met in India - Father Joe Braganza - who told me :

 

“Don’t look for the divine presence in the sky,

the Kingdom of God is within you”. 

 

With those words, the possibility of a God became...possible! The securely double-locked door of my heart miraculously opened a little and a tiny ray of Light came into my night.

 

You often hear that just a little crack in the fortress is enough...it was true for me. Gradually, I started discovering the true face of the Church and of this God who had entered into my life in India. I became a committed catholic, reading the scriptures weekly, blessed by a Community, dedicated catechists and an enlightened Priest. My passion for literature switched then to a passion for theology.

 

I also remember these years as extremely intense and busy ones as I was then the full time mother of 3 young children...

 

But, nearly 20 years after I had done my first step onto this spiritual way, I hit a crisis. I had to admit that my life was still very complicated and difficult. The wild sea was less wild, but still there!

 

It seemed to me very clear that something was wrong: I was trying to follow the teachings of the church, relying on my faith and the Word of God, and still, I was at the mercy of my emotions and difficult relationships, struggling forward. 

 

My conclusion turned to be an essential question : If leaning on God doesn’t work to make you happy, when obviously it should work, then there must be “something missing in the recipe”. What is it?

 

Today I come to the same conclusion as Saint Augustine or Father Alan...! It is a complete utopia to look for God without making the effort of knowing who you are. It is no use looking above and waiting for everything being showered from above if you are out of touch with your own reality inside.

 

“When you go to the doctor, you have to be specific, 

otherwise he can not do anything for you”

 

As I was determined to make it work out, I had no choice but focusing on the other quest : who am I? 

 

The first thing I learnt is that what I was searching for was very deep, and more importantly I was the only one who could dig for it. You can dig on your own, with your bare hands...you can also ask for guidance and use a proper tool.

 

The world offers today an endless list of tools, methods, courses dedicated to Self-knowledge. I was lucky to find the perfect one for me. It is also the most powerful and efficient one I know: The ENNEAGRAM OF PERSONALITIES.